Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Phone
by Silo
Summary: Harry encounters Voldemort in a completely new fashion... And this time he has a new gadget up his... Erm, SLEEVE, yes...


**Name: Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Phone**

**Summary: Harry encounters Voldemort in a completely new fashion... And this time he has a new gadget up his... erm, SLEEVE, yes...**

**Disclaimer: JKR owns everything.**

**Chapters: Only this one!**

* * *

Harry, tired and weary, was finally on his way to Voldemorts lair. He had left Ron in the chess room and Hermione in the potions room. It was just him now...

He pushed open the posh wooden double doors, past the Mcdonalds mini take-away on the side and proceeded through the fast food court.

"This must be Proffessor Sprout's area of expertese," He muttered to himself. "I was wondering how she got so plump."

At the end of the fast food court was another pair of doors. Harry opened it, eager to see what was on the other side.

Inside was a lapdancing club. There were plenty of women twirling around poles and dancing, but there weren't any visitors but Harry. He wasn't surprised there wasn't anybody here- It was a tough location to find. "Okay, this has gotta be Hagrid's. These woman have beards."

A younger woman tried hitting on him, so he paid her 10 sickles to see her dance.

"Mmm... Yeah... Oh yeah, baby yeah! YES YES! NO! NO! NO! GEEZ YOU RUINED THE LOT WOMAN! Oops, hang on, here we go, come one! YEAH!"

Voldemort, who was waiting in the other room, was listening throught the next pair of doors Harry had to pass through. "Mmm, yeah, I can hear those ladies dance!"

Harry, intently watching the woman perform, forgot that he was supposed to be saving the World.

"Oh, crap! Look at the time! I gotta go ladies... No really I gotta go... Thanks anyway..."

"CALL ME!" One of the girls shouted.

Harry pushed open the next pair of doors to reveal a posh-looking lounge-room.

"So this is where Dumbledoor's extra funds go." Harry said, nodding in approval. There was a chair next to a fire place on the far side of the room. It spun around, to reveal a evil-looking man. Voldemort!

"So great to see you, Mr. Potter. Did you have a nice time in the other room?"

"Oh yeah," Harry said with a smile, adjusting his tie. "I was especially anticipating the part when the woman removed her top, but my God was she hairy."

Voldemort grinned.

"So, are you ready to battle it out now, Potter?" Voldemort suggested.

"No way! I'm not even dressed properly yet!"

Harry equipped his glasses and socks, put on his robes and fastened up his fly.

Voldemort stared.

"Yeah, er... That was the part that I left."

"Indeed..."

"Okay, I'm ready now."

Harry drew his wand, as did Voldemort.

"Prepare to die a most horrible death, Harry... VIA RADIATION WAVES!"

Voldemort threw his wand over his back and revealed a mobile phone. His wand landed right in the fire behind him. "Dammit, that wasn't in the script."

"Oh, I _thought_ you had something hidden up your arse. No wonder you were behaving so stuck up."

"OOOOOOOOH!" Shouted an invisible crowd.

"Oh yeah? Well, four-eyes, you must have a lot of balls to strut around school with hair like Hagrids Armpits!"

"OOOOOOOOH!" Repeated the invisible crowd.

"At least I've actually GOT hair, unlike you, cueball."

"OOOOOOOOH! Go Harry!" Called the invisible crowd.

"Hm. Well, I suppose you inherited your messy hair from your mother's messy personality."

"OUCH! Whatcha gonna do now Harry? OO OO OO!"

"I'm going to look for someone that can give someone as ugly as you a miracle makeover."

"GO HARRY! GO HARRY!"

"I've had enough of this childish argumentative nonsense!" Voldemort cried, raising his phone.

"Well you carried on with it!" Harry claimed.

"WELL YOU STARTED IT!" Voldemort hissed fiercly. The invisible crowd started moaning and began to walk off in different directions. "Anyway, I said enough! It's time to duel!"

"But I don't collect Yu-Gi-Oh!" Harry replied.

"Well... You know what I mean!"

"Okay then Voldemort, if that's the way you want it, that's the way we'll have it!" Harry pointed his wand at Lord Voldemort's eye. "POKIUS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort cried.

Harry ran up towards the defenceless Voldemort and poked him in the eye with his wand.

"ARGHHHHH!" Voldemort yelled in agony, clutching his eye, and fell backwards into the fireplace, ending his reign over evil forever.

"Hm. That was easy." Harry bent down to the frazzled corps of Voldemort and nicked his phone.

"Cool, this looks good- Oh wait, it's a Siemens MC60. Oh well." Harry threw it as hard as he could back into the fire. "it's better down there anyway."

* * *

Harry made his way back to Mogwarts.

"Oh, Harry, we did it! We saved the World! We killed Voldemort!" Hermione shouted excitedly, hugging him.

"What? hang on... WE! You two did nothing! Well, actually, Ron got us past the chess, but Hermione, you did naff all!"

"What are you talking about, Harry? If it wasn't for me, we would have died in the Devil's Snare!"

"We would have found a way out soon, wouldn't we Ron?"

"Um, yeah, of course..."

The three of them pushed open the trap door above them with an extremely long strand of hair (From Hermione's scalp, which they carelessly tore off).

Fluffy's corps was lying across the back of the room, just where they left him after they threw pebbles at him.

They proceeded through the exit from Fluffy's chamber, but someone Dark and mysterious stood in the way...

**

* * *

I don't know whether I should write the sequel to this- I rushed it so that's why it wasn't as funny as when Lily and james survived... But still with someone's approval i can make a sequel AND TAKE MY TIME ON IT!**


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